I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize