come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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