I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
All I want is dick and wine.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize