You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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