I seem to have left my pride at pride
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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