are you still at the devil's house?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she told me i tasted like america
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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