I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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