Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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