I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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