Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
