I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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