can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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