i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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