May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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