I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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