Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
