I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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