So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
