i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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