Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
