She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
