An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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