How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
