he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
