your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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