When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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