i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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