i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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