Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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