I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Randomize
