when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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