You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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