Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
