They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
