Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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