If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
