The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
