Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
