Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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