Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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