i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm getting married
To pizza
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
