Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
