somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
