Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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