Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
