but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
