he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
