Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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