I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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