apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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