Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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