Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
