I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
All the doctor said was why
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
