I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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